Alone, Unworthy, Useless

I am a mess. I’m up I’m down, I’m laughing, I’m sobbing.

Oh this roller coaster of emotions…I am so tired.

I am useless. I am invisible.

I am unworthy of the blessings in my life. I can’t even be consistently grateful for all I do have without wishing for what I don’t.

Everyone else is accomplishing great things, what am I doing?

Will I ever just be okay? The kind of okay other people seem to be?

Will I ever thrive in this world instead of merely survive?

 I doubt I will ever experience love like I see it in my mind and desire it in my heart.

I am completely alone in these struggles. I can’t tell anyone the secrets I cover up with my smile. Forgiveness and grace is for other people. I would be cast out and run down if people only knew.

In this day and age where we sum up how fantastic we are in 140 characters or less, where we often blog about our light bulb moments, revelations, and breakthroughs, I thought I would take a minute to give voice to the other side of these revelations.

If we’re honest, if I’m honest, sometimes my real status updates would look much less like breakthroughs and much more like breakdowns. Like my thoughts above. Yes those are my thoughts. Thoughts I battled against just yesterday. And a week before that.

It’s so easy to buy into the lie that everyone else is doing better than we are and making these great strides in life that we are not. Social media has made this comparison game ridiculously easy to play, and it’s just as deadly as ever.

The truth is, while every single one of us experiences seasons of hard lessons, immense loneliness, regret, streams of tears, shattered dreams and painful consequences of sin that we would rather not put on display, one of the most powerful ways we can grow in community and unite in love is in sharing and confessing these pains and struggles.

We are each moving toward healing and forgiveness at a different pace. And the awesome beauty in that is that we are all able to be the encourager as well as the encouraged.

I have to remind myself regularly that it’s not realistic to believe I can live on cloud nine every day. And it’s not realistic or healthy to think that anybody else is.

Being content in all things has nothing to do with circumstances or the appearances of others’.  It has everything to do with what I’m basing my validation on and who I’m looking to for approval.

Today, if you’re battling feelings of inadequacy, or fears of not being enough in a world where doing always appears more plausible than being, I would just like to encourage you and tell you,

You are not alone.

AND… you are probably doing better than you think.

If you’re having a tough time praying, or finding your faith, even if it’s barely a whisper, whisper this:

“Jesus. Save me. I trust you. And Devil, in the name of Jesus, get behind me!”

Then hold on, if only by a thread, to the promise that God is with you. No matter how dark, He is there. It might not be the best thing for you that he remove you from your current circumstance or state of mind. His ways are not our ways. But He is loving you, comforting you, and asking that you trust Him.

I’ll trust Him with you today. Turn the world off. Appearances are fleeting. Don’t live by your emotions. They are fleeting too. He is the only one whose love remains the same. Yesterday, today, forever.

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