Alone, Unworthy, Useless
12 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Encouragement, Inspiration, Life, Spiritual Formation Tags: comparison game, Faith, painful consequences, spirituality
I am a mess. I’m up I’m down, I’m laughing, I’m sobbing.
Oh this roller coaster of emotions…I am so tired.
I am useless. I am invisible.
I am unworthy of the blessings in my life. I can’t even be consistently grateful for all I do have without wishing for what I don’t.
Everyone else is accomplishing great things, what am I doing?
Will I ever just be okay? The kind of okay other people seem to be?
Will I ever thrive in this world instead of merely survive?
I doubt I will ever experience love like I see it in my mind and desire it in my heart.
I am completely alone in these struggles. I can’t tell anyone the secrets I cover up with my smile. Forgiveness and grace is for other people. I would be cast out and run down if people only knew.
In this day and age where we sum up how fantastic we are in 140 characters or less, where we often blog about our light bulb moments, revelations, and breakthroughs, I thought I would take a minute to give voice to the other side of these revelations.
If we’re honest, if I’m honest, sometimes my real status updates would look much less like breakthroughs and much more like breakdowns. Like my thoughts above. Yes those are my thoughts. Thoughts I battled against just yesterday. And a week before that.
It’s so easy to buy into the lie that everyone else is doing better than we are and making these great strides in life that we are not. Social media has made this comparison game ridiculously easy to play, and it’s just as deadly as ever.
The truth is, while every single one of us experiences seasons of hard lessons, immense loneliness, regret, streams of tears, shattered dreams and painful consequences of sin that we would rather not put on display, one of the most powerful ways we can grow in community and unite in love is in sharing and confessing these pains and struggles.
We are each moving toward healing and forgiveness at a different pace. And the awesome beauty in that is that we are all able to be the encourager as well as the encouraged.
I have to remind myself regularly that it’s not realistic to believe I can live on cloud nine every day. And it’s not realistic or healthy to think that anybody else is.
Being content in all things has nothing to do with circumstances or the appearances of others’. It has everything to do with what I’m basing my validation on and who I’m looking to for approval.
Today, if you’re battling feelings of inadequacy, or fears of not being enough in a world where doing always appears more plausible than being, I would just like to encourage you and tell you,
You are not alone.
AND… you are probably doing better than you think.
If you’re having a tough time praying, or finding your faith, even if it’s barely a whisper, whisper this:
“Jesus. Save me. I trust you. And Devil, in the name of Jesus, get behind me!”
Then hold on, if only by a thread, to the promise that God is with you. No matter how dark, He is there. It might not be the best thing for you that he remove you from your current circumstance or state of mind. His ways are not our ways. But He is loving you, comforting you, and asking that you trust Him.
I’ll trust Him with you today. Turn the world off. Appearances are fleeting. Don’t live by your emotions. They are fleeting too. He is the only one whose love remains the same. Yesterday, today, forever.
Pete Wilson’s Empty Promises
11 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Spiritual Formation, Cross Point Tags: Pete Wilson, Cross Point, Empty Promises
First, he was just my pastor. Someone I admired from a distance and couldn’t wait to hear speak on Sunday mornings. His messages enriched my life and made me a better person; a better Christian. He has this way with an audience. An ability to connect and relate to people in a way that lets you know you can trust him. While he challenges listeners to step up their walk, he also reminds them that God is crazy in love with them even though we’ll never get it right all of the time.
I have now had the privilege and pleasure of working side by side with pastor, author and speaker Pete Wilson, and I’m so grateful to be able to call him friend.
When I accepted the offer to be Pete’s assistant at Cross Point Church in 2010 I admit I was a bit nervous. I tried to prepare myself for who might really be “behind the curtain.”
“Maybe he has a real bad temper,” I thought. “Maybe he’s super demanding. Maybe he’s arrogant or egotistical. Maybe he’s a horrible dad who never spends time with his kids.” “That’s okay,” I told myself. “Nobody’s perfect Evie, just don’t get your hopes up. He’s still doing a lot of good, and after all, he’s only a man.” 
Boy was I in for a surprise. Not only did I discover he was the same guy I saw and heard on Sunday’s, but he completely shattered the images and stereotypes I had been living with of “men,” “leaders,” “bosses,” “authority figures,” and “fathers” in general.
God knew exactly what he was doing when he placed little ole me in a position where I could see first hand this kind of honesty, integrity, character, authenticity, compassion and heart in a guy. It gave me a fresh supply of hope I was in desperate need of. This may sound a little dramatic, but let’s be honest. We’re not exactly in abundant supply of men with these character traits. To be fair, it was actually Pete and every other male staff member at Cross Point. Just months before taking the position I remember thinking, “God, seriously where are the good guys!? I need to believe that there are honest, God-loving, God-fearing, Christ centered men around here and I am just not seeing it!” God said, “Let me introduce you to Pete and the dudes at Cross Point.”
Working with “Peter, Peter,” as I like to call him, I got to see him in action in quite an array of situations and circumstances. Regardless of the pressures, disappointments, successes, opportunities, demands and expectations of the many roles he plays on a daily basis, I can honestly say this:
Pete is a force to be reckoned with, a leader of leaders, an insane lover of people especially the underdog and the overlooked, and a man of grace, humility and giftedness. And he doesn’t take a single bit of it for granted.
Today is the release of Pete’s highly anticipated second book, Empty Promises: The Truth About You, Your Desires, and the Lies You’re Believing. 
I was lucky enough to read this book chapter by chapter as it was being written, supposedly checking for grammatical errors and such. I had a rough time though because it was nearly impossible not to get caught up in the convicting content and eye-opening truths contained in its pages.
Every single one of us has these innate desires to be of significant value in this world; to count for something great; to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy of the time and space we take up. Pete discusses the truth about these desires as he unpacks the enticing but empty promises of achievement, approval, wealth, power, religion, beauty, and dream chasing, as well as why we’re so easily convinced that just a little more of what we know doesn’t work, might just work. Pete also offers practical solutions for not only eradicating these idols in our lives, but replacing them with healthy practices and the only Promise that truly delivers.
Check out the book’s trailer below, and order the book HERE.
Proud of you Peter, Peter.
Empty Promises Trailer- Full from Pete Wilson on Vimeo.
I Can’t Make You Love Me
12 Mar 2012 5 Comments
in Faith, Family, Life, Spiritual Formation Tags: Dr. James Dobson, I Can't Make You Love Me, Moody Radio Chicago, Personal Relationship with Jesus, WMBI
Growing up the 2nd oldest of five kids, I mostly remember lots of noise. Screaming, yelling, laughing, fighting, crying; Noise. Loud noise.
But car rides were different. In the car somehow, some way, we finally shut up. I guess it was like the DVD affect. When we piled into that old station wagon, the radio would go on and we go silent.
Well once in a while it was a cassette tape from the library. Carly Simon, Kenny Rogers, Bonnie Raitt.
In fact I’ll never forget the first time I heard I Can’t Make You Love Me. I must’ve been in 6th or 7th grade. I was staring out the car window listening to the lyrics thinking,
“Oh my gosh. This is so horribly sad why won’t he just love her? And why does my mom keep rewinding such a sad song?”
Just kidding I don’t remember if she kept rewinding it. But I sure do remember that song well. I should ask her. I digress.
Nine times out of ten she turned on the radio. WMBI, 90.1, Moody Radio in Chicago. I heard a lot of preachers preach and a lot of teachers teach. This went on for years. I think a lot of what my mom was too exhausted to teach us herself, she trusted we’d learn in the car from that radio station.
I loved hearing Dr. James Dobson talk. I loved the sound of his voice. I always believed what he said. One unforgettable phrase he had on parenting always stuck with me: “Relationship before rules.”
In the Old Testament, not to over generalize, but an overarching theme with God is obedience; reverent obedience, diligent obedience, careful obedience. Obey, obey, obey. Be careful to obey.
One of the things that used to trip me up in talking to people about God’s love was when they would start going off on God’s rules.
Most people like to believe they’re in control of their own life. That they set the parameters and make the rules. That they have the power to make things happen, and they’ll find the resources or solutions to fix things when they fall apart.
‘I don’t want anyone telling me what to do Evie. Especially not God.’
‘I’m a grown up Evie. I can take care of myself.’
Um, so how’s that been workin out for you if you don’t mind my asking?
I won’t lie, rules overwhelm me, they always have. I get easily burdened by my inability to follow all the rules all the time. Sometimes so much so that I just go in the exact opposite direction. But that’s another story. Probably just the human race story.
This morning in our alone time, God brought that Dr. Dobson phrase back to mind just as I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by my shortcomings and overcome by my inadequacies.
Then He spoke this reminder to my spirit:
Focus on our relationship Evie. When our relationship is operating simply out of my careful pursuit of your heart, you won’t see any rules. All you will see is that I love you and I want the absolute best for you.
When I focus on God’s continual initiation of heart to heart conversations with me, it’s impossible to be burdened by commands. Because all I sense is His love.
Just like good ole Bonnie couldn’t make dude love her, God can’t make you love him. Well he could if he wanted to but he never will. It’s not who he is. It’s not the way he designed the human race. He will never force himself on anyone.
What he does desire more than anything though is to have a personal relationship with you.
And what you experience once you step inside that relationship is actually real deal freedom.
The kind of freedom your current freedom is petrified you might find.
Don’t let a few rules scare you. Those disappear as soon as you let him wrap his arms around you.
And if you need a reminder down the road like I do, that’s what the Holy Spirit is for. To guide you back into relationship.
The relationship where love rules.
“I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches. I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word. Psalm 119:14-16
The Joys of Being Single and Having Sex
08 Mar 2012 2 Comments
in Life, Spiritual Formation Tags: Alfie, Jude Law, Peace of Mind, Sex, Single, Unconditional Love
If we’re honest, we all crave a relationship that somehow seems to breathe life into our souls.
A relationship that makes our broken, beautiful.
A relationship that provides unconditional love that doesn’t turn conditional when we mess up. When our flaws are revealed. When our secrets are out.
A relationship that brings peace of mind.
Peace of mind that doesn’t waver in a world where all good things seem to have a beginning and an end.
The truth is, we were designed for this kind of relationship. This kind of intimacy.
Unfortunately, human love can’t produce it.
Only God offers this kind of love. As hard as we try,
We will always fall short of love that never fails.
I watched this movie recently.
Basically the script appeared to be sensationalizing this single guy’s lifestyle of sex with multiple women and treating them like objects designed strictly for his pleasure. Anytime, anywhere, regardless of who got hurt; in his mind, he was living the “good life.”
Consequences? What consequences?
Conscience? So overrated.
Now, I love being a single chick. Maybe too much really. I treasure being “free” and unattached. I like coming home to peace and quiet. I like making my own schedule and not being “tied down.” But I also think marriage and family is a beautiful thing. I look forward to being a wife and a mom if and when God orchestrates it. Until then, I’m perfectly content where He has me.
That said, dude was way out of line and his lifestyle was downright offensive.
I was desperate to see his character redeemed and some sort of light bulb moment occur so I forced myself to keep watching.
Finally, due to extenuating circumstances, he stops and takes an honest look at his life.
Any of us who have been on a downward spiral for some period of time know this moment is intense.
One of the reasons we stay in a dark and downward spiral is precisely because we’re so afraid of that moment of truth.
Of what it will reveal about who we’ve become.
Of realizing we may not be as “free” as we thought we were.
But this painful realization is the necessary first step to healing and transformation.
The monologue in the last scene was so well done. As much as I was tempted to despise this character, I just couldn’t.
At first I felt sorry for him. Now I related to him.
He reminded me that everybody needs healing.
That we are all doing the best we can with what we know.
That we all crave the kind of love and fulfillment this world simply cannot deliver the goods on.
“Despite my best efforts, I’m beginning to feel some cracks in my faux finish.
When I look back at my little life and all the women I’ve known,
I can’t help but think about all that they’ve done for me..
And all I haven’t done for them.
How they looked out for me and cared for me,
And I repaid them by never returning the favor.
I used to think I had the best end of the deal…
But what have I got… really?
Some money in my pocket?
Some nice threads?
Fancy car at my disposal?
And I’m single..
Yeah..
Unattached
Free as a bird.
I don’t depend on nobody.
Nobody depends on me.
My life’s my own.
But…
I don’t have peace of mind….
And if you don’t have that,
You’ve got nothing.
So…
so what’s the answer?
That’s what I’m asking myself..
What’s it all about?
You know what I mean?”
Yes Alfie, I know exactly what you mean.
Time Out
14 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in Cross Point, Faith, Forgiveness, Life, Spiritual Formation Tags: Cross Point, Dreams, Empty Promises, Forgiveness, Plan B, Reflection, Self Discovery, This Too Shall Pass
I was catching a friend up on how I’ve been spending my time recently since stepping out of full time ministry. Besides traveling the world, relaxing at exotic resorts and getting daily massages on the beach, I explained that I’ve been catching up on a whole lot of lost time with God right in the quiet of my own little Nashville home.
Although I spent the best hours of my days working in a phenomenal church for the last 16 months, my relationship with God actually felt like it was on life support. I knew He was asking me to take some time in this next season to really examine what happened to cause this, do a major heart check, and get back into spiritual working condition.
Have you ever gone through a season in life where you poured everything you had into something that just wasn’t turning out the way you though it would? I think it’s safe to say most of us have. In fact, you should read this book if you’re looking for clarity and guidance in this area, or know someone who is.
Whether it’s a job or a relationship or kids or a family issue, ever so slowly your own personal walk with God slips to 3rd or 4th place and your very identity becomes like a faded photo. One day you look in the mirror and can’t even recognize your own reflection or recall who you once were.
Regrettably, in the last year and a half, more often than I care to admit, I was like a hamster in a wheel running myself ragged and never getting anywhere. Through no one’s fault but my own I was in a position that was stifling my creativity and expecting things of me that I just wasn’t designed for. All along I allowed myself to be drawn into the thought that,
“this isn’t brain surgery, just keep trying harder. You have to do this. You need to love this. You have to live up to everyone’s expectations and get this right.”
At the end of the day, whenever we try to be something we’re not, we just end up cheating ourselves and the world of something very special.
There will never be another you, so recover who you are and then be the best YOU you can be. I’ve learned it doesn’t do anyone any good to try and be the best someone else you can be.
I’m so thankful for amazing friends who surround me with love and support and who are there for me no matter what. There’s always a reason for the season’s we go through and I do not in any way consider a single moment of the last 16 months to be a waste. I learned more than I ever have about people, about God, about myself, and about love. I’m a better person having come through this experience.
I hope if you can relate to any of this, you will do two things:
- Remember that this too shall pass and give yourself forgiveness today. Forgiveness for whatever it is you’ve been holding onto, thinking you don’t deserve to be happy because you screwed things up so badly. You don’t need to make yourself suffer for something Jesus already died to free you from. If God doesn’t expect perfection of us, who are we to set a higher expectation of ourselves than God? Let it go and move forward into the abundant life He has for you.
- Dream. Recover what it is about you that makes you unique. Take a personality test, do an exercise. Read a book. Allow yourself the time and the freedom to get back to who you are. You were born an original. Don’t die a copy. (I don’t know who made that up but it wasn’t me)
A Praying Mother: Priceless
23 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Faith, Family, Prayer Tags: Mom, Prayer
My mom sent me a Christmas card this year because I wasn’t able to make it home for the holidays. Inside it she wrote the prayer she prays for me every day. I was moved to tears when I read it. Telling someone you’re praying for them is one thing. Telling them what you’re praying for them is another. I hope you might take this and make it your own prayer for someone you care for.
“May our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ help Evie to live her life to the fullest. God promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Lord help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. May You protect her at all times and lift her up when she needs You most, letting her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe.”
This simple mother’s request has no doubt released God’s love and power in my life, impacting my journey more than I will probably ever realize this side of heaven.
Reflecting back on the last year especially, I see so many instances where God was answering this prayer on behalf of my mom who tirelessly prays for all five of her kids on a continual basis.
Thanks Mom. You’re a shining example to our entire family of what it means to be a praying mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I pray God blesses your socks off in 2012, above and beyond what you could ever dream, imagine, or ask for.
Love,
Evie
Colassians 4:2 2Be earnest and unwearied and steadfast in your prayer [life], being [both] alert and intent in [your praying] with thanksgiving.
The Search for Significance
22 Dec 2011 5 Comments
in Inspiration, Life
Have you ever tried so hard to do something and do it well, but nearly the entire time you felt as though you were fighting against the wind and climbing a mountain?
Have you ever watched someone work with such apparent ease at something they were seemingly born to do, going back and forth from various activities and responsibilities all the while energized and ready to do it again tomorrow with the same passion and zeal?
And it left you wondering what in the world was wrong with you that you were so drained of energy and passionless toward your own tasks and responsibilities?
- Maybe you’ve been running a business but you you feel lifeless and unhappy and utterly stuck because you’ve put everything into something that isn’t flourishing like you expected and you think it’s too late to start dreaming again.
- Maybe you’ve been busting your butt, determined to be the best stay at home mom ever but at night you cry yourself to sleep and fight off feelings of resentment.
- Maybe you go back and forth to a job you just can’t get excited about no matter how hard you try, and you feel guilty because you’re not joyful for the simple fact that you have a job, still in your heart of hearts you know something is just not right.
Maybe it’s time to get out of the tree and into the water.
Maybe you’ve been judging your worth by your ability to do something you were never designed to do.
Cut yourself some slack. You may just be a fish out of water or a monkey in the sea.
Spanx and Skin Cream
01 Oct 2011 14 Comments
in Life, Spiritual Formation, Women
But I can take a couple guesses.- Younger is better
- Younger is sexier
- Grass is greener on the younger side
- Opportunities are endless
- “Big breaks” are more likely
- You assume the clock is ticking but you’re too young to hear it or care
- What have I really done with my life?
- Who am I anyway?
- Does what I do even matter?
- Do I even matter to God?
- Is God pleased with me?
- Is there really a God, who loves me?
Now don’t get me wrong. I have my share of pity parties. The wrinkles! Under eye circles! Slowed metabolism! The struggle to hold onto muscle and not eat the same things! Not to mention the dent in my budget due to the need for spanx and skin creams, hair color and chiropractors, fancy juicers and organic produce, foot massages, back rubs, etc, etc.
- The culmination of life experiences that bring wisdom and fruit
- The mistakes I begin to forgive myself for
- The grudges I release because I recognize their insignificance
- The new lens I view others from that focuses more on what makes us the same than what makes us different
- The lens that recognizes no one is perfect, we all have baggage, we all have scars and we all need healing
- A greater capacity to love because of a greater understanding of Christ’s love for me.
“And now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine according to His power at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20
Shhhhhh….
22 Sep 2011 1 Comment
in Biblical Viewpoint, Faith, Life, Spiritual Formation
“The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it’s good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.” Lamentations 3:25
I think it’s funny that God showed me this verse today because the way I live sometimes, you would think the second half of this verse actually reads, “So it’s good to run around like a chicken with your head cut off.”
When I’m waiting on God, the images that come to mind aren’t necessarily “quiet.” I more or less picture:
- Arms crossed, toes tapping as I nervously look up and down and all around wondering if I’ve been forgotten.
- Clawing around in a forest at nightfall panting, searching desperately for something or someone or a way out, sure if I just tried harder I wouldn’t be waiting so long.
- Sweating in desperation and anxiety while a clock is ticking in the background as I wait…and wait…and wait…
What struck me about this verse and gave me incredible peace about what God desires for me is that it’s okay to take a breath. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m somehow not doing enough to pursue God and stay close to Him. But God teaches that I can expect to revel in His goodness even while I’m waiting, simply because I search for and depend on Him.
God gives us permission to remain calm in difficult circumstances. He never gives us a list of things to do, He gives us a way to be: Assured of His presence, standing in His grace, not dependent on circumstances, or a job, or a relationship, or a paycheck to satisfy us, but rather on Him alone. Now that’s something to get loud about!
I often hear people say, “God helps those who help themselves.” But that’s way too broad a statement for me to embrace. It insinuates that you have to, or God won’t.
I think God allows us to be in helpless positions so He can teach us how to wait on Him. After all, His power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9) I think helpless and hopeless are prime “God-helping” times. I think helpless is helpful. And I can wait on Him, in my helplessness, quietly.
To A Chick, By A Chick
13 Sep 2011 9 Comments
in Women Tags: Faith, Women Healing
Taking a step in someone else’s healing process will always result in a step towards your own.
When I was in second grade my teacher called my mom and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever had a student give me the cold shoulder. What’s up with your daughter?”
When I was in high school it was brought to my attention by friends that every time they talked to me I was constantly looking around, distracted, and seemingly only half listening, half caring.
Growing up I was forced to work at my dad’s restaurant from a young age. He fired me every other week for being rude and inconsiderate to the customers.
In college, girls told me that before they got to know me they thought I was totally stuck up and full of myself.
When the guy who would become my first serious boyfriend was first “inquiring” about me, he was told, “Don’t even try, she’s got an attitude, her guard is up, she’ll tear you to shreds.”
After hearing this sort of thing enough, I decided to get to the root of the issue. I no longer wanted to be known as the girl with the attitude who didn’t need anyone or care about anyone. Because the truth was, that wasn’t true.
The process took years, but once God started softening my heart towards people, and women in particular, I started making some intentional changes that would eventually become a part of my own healing process.
1) Seek to make people feel heard and seen. At the end of the day, we all want to be respected and understood. Hold eye contact. Listen intently. Pray the name of Jesus in your mind to keep him involved in every conversation.
2) Intentionally reach out to women. Take an interest in who they are beneath the surface.
When I moved to Nashville almost 10 years ago knowing no one, I realized if I wanted to make any girlfriends I was going to have to be kind, honest and real. (New concept) A lot of us girls can seem guarded and jealous and it can mask who we truly are on the inside. I wanted to make women feel the way I never felt. And every time I did, not only did I make some great friends, I also felt a little more whole and beautiful myself.
Most, if not all women are insecure about something. Their appearance, their history, their heart, etc. “We all need healing,” as my boss likes to say.
When we, as women, go out of our way to make another woman feel beautiful, loved and respected, the world becomes a more precious place, it really does. Even women you think are so stinkin gorgeous and confident they can’t possibly need a conversation initiated, or a genuine compliment, I’ve seen these women time and time again break down over how much they can’t bear to look at themselves in the mirror or how they wish they had closer female friendships.
I would just like to say to any chick reading this.
